Tuesday, April 19, 2005

And Now a Word From Our Sponsor


You say you're feeling cranky? Anxious? ? Pressed for time? Is your pedagogy logy? Are your grades inflated?

Well, my friends, maybe it's time you tried Aunt Joanna's Sabbatackle, a pep tonic created especially for teachers who toil night and day, often without sincere appreciation or money in their pockets, bringing the loftiest of ideals to the tender young minds in their care. Sabbatackle won't grade papers for you or attend any meetings, but it will fill you with vim enough to grade a thousand (that's right!) a thousand papers in one sitting, respond to 100 emails, confer with your students and everyone else's, make a dental appointment and get a walker for your dog, BEFORE LUNCH. That's right. Just one teaspoon of Aunt Joanna's Sabbatackle, and you'll be a new person. For days, my friends, for days.

"Slippery salesperson," you ask," what is in Sabbatackle that makes it so darned effective? Well, Aunt Joanna refuses to say, but this much I can tell you: Made with only the finest snake oil, Sabbatackle cannot be gotten in any pharmacy here in the US. Not legally.

But I digress.

And so will you! So will you! All it takes is a bottle of Aunt Joanna's Sabbatackle Tonic to put some perk in your work and pep in your stride. It'll unclog your blog and light up your links.

[Hope that you all are having a calm end-of-semester, ; ) Joanna]


At 12:10 AM, Blogger clc said...

Can I get a gallon? Or two?

At 12:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aunt Joanna, my grades are so inflated I can barely walk on them. They're red and swollen. Now, I think I might've just applied for some sabbatackle, mostly 'cause my boss told me to, only here they call sabbatackle a "dissertation fellowship." But Joanna, I'll tell you what: it's teaching that puts perk in my work and pep in my stride. Not to be ungrateful, but I'm not so sure I even want this "fellowship" sabbatackle: when I asked some big-shot emeritus profs for advice on my application, they took a look at my CV and said, "Oh, lose that teaching stuff, and focus on publications and research!" But, see, that teaching stuff is why I'm here, and why I'm doing this diss.

If my moments in the classroom are my reward for research, Joanna, do I really need your tonic?

-- Anon, for good reasons, but you know who

At 9:54 PM, Anonymous joanna said...

clc, our tank will pull up in your driveway. Just leave the bottles marked "water" on the porch and remember to leave the payment in unmarked bills in a small, padded envelope entitled "Lab specimen. Do not touch."
Anon, I know who you are, and so do you. Don't forget that Sabbatackle also can be used to refinish furniture and remove barnacles from boats. It makes a great dip for vegetable crudite's, and parents all over the world rejoice in its ability to clean children's hair and rid the carpet of vermin.
Perhaps, however, you might be interested in another product we carry: DISSAWAY.

At 8:27 PM, Blogger Clancy said...

Well, I need some sabbatackle, I'll tell you what. I'm having a lousy teaching semester (leaving this comment under my real name with the assumption that this happens to everyone sometimes). I'll be happy to have Anonymous (I know who too) sub for my two classes this last couple of weeks.

At 10:46 PM, Anonymous Adjunct Kait said...

Oh, Aunt Joanna, send that truck over my way too! It will help me grade papers and code data for some research that I'm doing with a faculty member in the department!

Does it come in a student version that makes them lose their sense of entitlement, write competent e-mails, and realize that grades are not based on the fact that they "worked reeeaaallly hard on this"? ;)

At 5:20 PM, Anonymous joanna said...

Kaitlin, You're in luck. We've searched the filing cabinet and brown paper bags and have found just enough Sabbatackle to get you through the summer. Unfortunately, we have have yet to come up with something strong enough for the students, but our chemists are working day and night to find something with ten times the zip and fifty times the pep of our industrial strength version that we sell to college professors and furnisher refinishing stores.

At 8:35 PM, Anonymous joanna said...

Furniture. FURNITURE. F-u-r-n-i-t-u-r-e.

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